Dear Mr. Blue [Garrison's pen name],
I am looking for a woman who's really exceptional: smart, funny, good-looking, horny, loyal and strong. The women I've met so far aren't even close, but is it wrong to date them anyway, knowing there's no long-term future? Should I never go out with a woman if I think she's not "the one"? I don't want to "settle" for someone, but I also don't want to waste my time looking for perfection if it doesn't exist.
Looking
Dear Looking,
The exceptional women you seek are here in Minnesota. Smart, funny, good-looking, horny, loyal, strong -- that, plus blond, describes them to a T. They're all over the place; any man who could walk four blocks down Nicollet Avenue without falling in love with at least three women is either clinically depressed, or gay, or blind. Minnesota produces tall sinewy women who can paddle a canoe, handle an ax, dance the tango, manage money, write a paper on "Hamlet" and at the end of the day do things that make a man faint from ecstasy. If you can settle in Minnesota for a few months, you won't have to settle for anything less than perfection. If you're looking somewhere else, you're probably wasting your time.
Enough said.
2 comments:
That's my favorite Mr. Blue reply ever. This one also made me laugh. (Sorry, it's long, but maybe certain friends of ours who live in NC will take note.)
Dear Mr. Blue,
My husband and I live in the countryside of North Carolina and have done everything we can to stimulate our daughter with art, dance, music, books, but the people who live in this area could give a rat's ass about anything intellectual or artistic, so we are planning a move (I am forcing it) to the coast of Maine in the next year or so. We are deeply rooted here, as far as work, house, etc., but I have this voice inside me that says we MUST move there. The schools here are rated 48th in the nation, and Maine is voted the No. 1 place to raise children by the Children's Rights Council year after year. Do you think moving from one place to another solves things? Stay and make the best of it, or uproot?
Confused
Dear Confused,
That's the Camden Redevelopment Commission that rated Maine No. 1, not the Children's Rights Council. Anyone whose head is screwed on straight and isn't on the take knows that Minnesota is the place to raise a child. Minnesota was settled in the mid-19th century by people fleeing Maine who brought with them whatever culture Maine had, and it has thrived and burgeoned here on the sunny plains. Art, dance, music, books -- we've got all that and also an exciting cartoon-strip governor. What Maine has is a strip of culture along its coastline about two or three miles wide, and then a vast swampy mosquito-infested moose-ridden interior, with some potato fields. Thank goodness you wrote to me before you packed the U-Haul.
Do I hear an AMEN?!!
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